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lj friends etiquette

I actually had someone message me on livejournal to say "I noticed you friended me. I don't think we know each other. Could you unfriend me?"

damn. so, yup, I promptly did.

I USUALLY post a comment when I friend someone... a "hey, I was looking for people interested in lemurs and here you are" or "I found you through x community" but it's not 100%, I'll admit it.

guess I need to be 100% about it.

people don't do that on any other social network. how did it get to be a thing here? I have never cared an ounce who friends me. it doesn't affect anything. it doesn't force them onto MY friends list. I usually friend back, sure, because most people who friend me end up being cool or at least worth checking out.

oh well. everyone else I've friended this year has seemed happy about it. or at least tolerant!

how's the internet supposed to work, again?

Comments

( 40 comments — Leave a comment )
dreamsrundeep
Mar. 20th, 2015 03:41 pm (UTC)
Wow. I've never had that happen. Definitely says more about them, I think, don't you? I try to comment, but I'm not 100% about it either. I rarely post publicly these days, so I haven't had many friends requests lately unless participating in a friending frenzy or something.
susandennis
Mar. 20th, 2015 03:43 pm (UTC)
How weird! Since I have total control over who sees what in my journal (the GREAT benefit of LJ), even to the point of blocking whomever I wish, I think that's even weirder.

I friend people willy nilly and rarely ever even explain myself. I use my friends list as kind of a bookmark list of journals I like to track.

I do totally get that many people view and use LJ as a social media site as opposed to (like me) a diary that happens to be open to the public, but still.

Weird.
spacefem
Mar. 21st, 2015 01:02 am (UTC)
I think I view it as both. I mean a long time ago, before time began, I did have a paper journal. but it wasn't as nearly as fun to write in because there weren't all these people to get advice from. comments are a motivator.

so I see this as my journal, with extra incentive.
hardblue
Mar. 20th, 2015 03:50 pm (UTC)
Heh, it reminds me of the old days. LJ is rather Stone Age for the Internet, and these LJ-type journal sites were much more personal, I think, than Twitter and Facebook and Internet 2.0 or 3.0 in general. Though, I would have thought LJers might have lost that ultra-personal feel by now, and that they would come to appreciate any sign of life here.
(Deleted comment)
aryanhwy
Mar. 20th, 2015 03:52 pm (UTC)
That's really strange. If those people don't want people who are not their friends to be following them, are they posting f-locked only?

I've never had that happen! (I have declined to friend back people on FB that I don't know, but that's because FB-friending is symmetric; LJ isn't like that, so who cares you friends you? All it does is give YOU more access to them, not vice versa.)
christina_maria
Mar. 20th, 2015 04:04 pm (UTC)
Wow. I've seen that on Facebook, but that's a first for on here that I've ever heard about.
Maybe they don't realize that you adding them lets them see your journal, sure. But unless they return the add you can only exclusively see their public posts? *shrugs*

learn something new on LJ every day I guess :)
andrewducker
Mar. 20th, 2015 04:06 pm (UTC)
That's what friends locks are for!
yamamanama
Mar. 20th, 2015 04:19 pm (UTC)
I was trying to find something someone wrote about how Facebook turned social networking from finding people with common interests and turning it into keeping touch with the people you already know.

smittenbyu
Mar. 20th, 2015 04:40 pm (UTC)
I think if you are very particular of who adds you and who doesn't you should post it up on the profile? How strange...

There are cases of LJ users who have added me and never commented about it and I have not added back, because well, I never realized that I was added. Your recent LJ meme thing actually made me realize there were several people who added and I never knew! I added back most of them but some I haven't added back because they never post on their journal (or they are F-Locked and give no indication of who they are) nor do they comment on my posts. But I have not asked them to unfriend me! That's just strange concept to me!
lavenderspark
Mar. 20th, 2015 04:53 pm (UTC)
I had someone I didn't know friend me (before I joined your friending comm) and I have no idea how she found me or why she friended me. My journal was friends only at the time and we had no friends or communities in common (well, I follow two of the same comms she does, but I've never posted anything in either of them).

But I checked her out and she seemed cool, so I friended her back. I've had spambots friend me though and I don't really like that they're on my friend list. It isn't so much that I'm worried about what they can see, it's that I don't like having names on my friend list that aren't really people. I also don't like having dead journals on my list. But that's just me. :)
anita_margarita
Mar. 20th, 2015 04:56 pm (UTC)
Some people do friend me randomly and usually I can tell that they were friends of friends, or at least figure out how they found me. Now and then I will get a very odd friending and I usually ignore them. I do remember one that was strange and I sent him a message asking if we knew each other, and he said no, he was just trying to get as many friends as possible.
excentric397
Mar. 20th, 2015 04:57 pm (UTC)
I usually try to notify people and ask if it's okay, but I don't always think to do that. I usually friend if I've read something of theirs I liked and don't want to miss out on more. Some people are touchy, and delete friends periodically, but I don't see how it matters one way or another. Your journal is public unless you've f-locked it, and isn't the point to have people read it? Friending people means I can have their new posts sent to my email, which means I don't have to keep checking blogs or go to my 'friends' page or inbox or whatever, because I seldom remember to do that. Wow, that got out of hand, didn't it?
siduri
Mar. 20th, 2015 05:13 pm (UTC)
I actually had someone cyber screaming at me because she noticed I Friended them. The thing was, though, that I had friended her with her blessings and then something happened to my LJ and my Friends list got borked. So, I fixed things and Friended her again. And she totally flipped out and started screaming at me that I was an obnoxious shit because I had Friended her without her permission.

I mean, OK? Whatever? There was nothing wrong between us prior to that, did she just like forget she was on my FList? Seriously?
altamira16
Mar. 20th, 2015 05:53 pm (UTC)
Dreamwidth did away with some of this weird LJ culture by breaking the concept of "friends" down into "reading circle" and "subscription" or something like that. It lets you tailor who you choose to read and whether you choose to share your friends locked stuff with them.

LJ's use of friend seems much more personal.

I liked having a culture where you could ask people to unfriend you because there are people who I find creepy who follow me on Twitter and Google+, and I do not want to have the conversation of "Hey, kindly fuck off" with them so I tolerate them retweeting or favoriting things that I post publicly. But I am still uncomfortable with this person interacting with my content in a way that I notice even though the content itself is fairly benign.

There was someone whose journal I liked to read and comment on here and on Dreamwidth, but several times she took my comments as being threats on her life and just read things in the weirdest way possible so I unsubscribed from her journal, but she is still welcome to read mine. I am just unable to deal with the crazy form of interaction that happens in her comments, and I am unable to read someone and resist the temptation of commenting.
ironphoenix
Mar. 20th, 2015 05:57 pm (UTC)
That seems a bit extreme. I'll admit that I'm curious what led you to friend me, but I'm not creeped out by it or anything. Besides, you seem interesting!
spacefem
Mar. 21st, 2015 01:05 am (UTC)
yeah, at this point I have no idea!

we have some common friends, and common communities, so maybe I saw you on my friends-of-friends page and added you?
ironphoenix
Mar. 21st, 2015 02:14 am (UTC)
Could be... the FoF page is one I don't have time to read often, but it's an interesting romp when I do!
vvalkyri
Mar. 20th, 2015 06:40 pm (UTC)
meh. like you said, if they're posting stuff public you could just as easily read via bookmarks. I know someone who did that, actually, because he didn't want to have his social network viewable.

I wish FB were more like LJ on that -- I can't see anything on a person's page until the friending is bidirectional, by which point maybe I donwanna.
sksdwrld
Mar. 20th, 2015 07:12 pm (UTC)
Hi, I've friended you because you seem like a cool person. Don't feel obligated to friend me back, my journal is a strange mish mash of fiction, fanfiction, and life-sucks.
spacefem
Mar. 21st, 2015 01:07 am (UTC)
we all need a little life sucks :) plus I like your usericon, daria ftw!
nekocrouton
Mar. 20th, 2015 08:37 pm (UTC)
That is really odd. (I ran across your journal from the LJ top posts BTW.) The beauty of LJ is that you can choose who sees what via filters and whatnot, so it really shouldn't matter who friends you. I'd be thrilled to have people friend me, just because LJ has been pretty dormant lately.

I don't usually say anything when friending people, unless it's out of the blue or in response to a friending meme.

Maybe they're too lazy to filter posts, I dunno.
spacefem
Mar. 21st, 2015 01:09 am (UTC)
oh hey, I always wondered what it took to make it onto top posts so thanks for letting me know!

I will friend you just in the spirit of urging you to go out and friend people, seriously, makes this place so much more fun. I was thinking it felt dormant too but turns out, "it" wasn't dormant, I'd just been lazy about going out and finding new friends and my friends page had kinda rotted. it didn't take much to revive things a lot.
nekocrouton
Mar. 21st, 2015 09:23 pm (UTC)
No problem! :)

I added you back as a friend! But I think you're right about going out and finding new friends around here, I'll have to do the same thing as well. :o
flying_blind
Mar. 20th, 2015 10:17 pm (UTC)
I remember when the "Friend-of Fear" was a big thing on LJ. That fear always seemed strange to me. I can understand someone being really offended by the friender's user name or the general tone of their journal, but it isn't like the person being friended was being forced to read the journal they disliked.

But it was that peculiar, almost paranoid streak in many LJ users that gave rise to the serial adders (for anyone who wasn't around then, serial adders were trolls who would start a journal, sometimes with a rude user name, and maybe a horrifying interests list, and then add hundreds of people at random to their friends list all at once and sit back and wait for the outrage to pour in) and for that I am grateful to the friend-fear folk. I got serial-added several times, and actually friended some of the trolls back because because I found them amusing (my favorite was cerealxadder— "The Breakfast Snake.") Gee, I miss the serial adders. As far as I know they were unique to LJ, and we'll probably never see their like again.
spacefem
Mar. 21st, 2015 01:12 am (UTC)
I think that's one of the things I love about livejournal... since it's quite past being a the "hot new social network", nobody's really joining to see what numbers they can get. we're down to just the normal people. or we got rid of the normal people and are left with just the good ones. depending on your perspective.
astrogeek01
Mar. 20th, 2015 11:29 pm (UTC)
Huh that's really weird. People are weird.
crazedturkey
Mar. 21st, 2015 04:02 am (UTC)
Hahaha. People are weird.
randomdreams
Mar. 21st, 2015 04:40 am (UTC)
I remember that a lot back when I first got on LJ. I think most of the people who have those sorts of leanings have left.
filmstar
Mar. 21st, 2015 05:36 am (UTC)
People used to do this back in the day, and I never understood it. You have no obligation to friend me back, and you know I can still read your journal like a creepy stalker whether I've friended you or not, right? If you don't like it, lock it up.
jume
Mar. 22nd, 2015 11:07 pm (UTC)
hehe, this comment made me giggle
(Deleted comment)
kurikuribebi
Mar. 21st, 2015 06:21 am (UTC)
Hello there.
Came across this posts on the TOPS list on the main LJ page. I think it's strange that someone would say that to you -- unless they are some kind of bot or troll, a person will usually friend you because they are interested in knowing more about you. They've seen comments of yours here and there or your journal looks interesting. It's not a two way street though. Just because you friend them, they don't have to friend you, and you wouldn't be able to see their things anyway, if their journal is friends only.
If people don't want random friend requests, they should list it somewhere on their page or profile to eliminate the issue.


matrixmann
Mar. 21st, 2015 07:31 am (UTC)
Always saying the internet's a place where you can't influence what one other is doing behind his screen.
If someone adds me, I check it out and keep wondering why he did it (if he didn't leave any notice) and then I go back to business as usual.
Only what sometimes requires a little checking out is the Russian journals because there can be far-righters, not to say swastika pals among. Can't afford that as a German for that lots of stuff of that is forbidden here.
But, admittedly, since I have my sticky post with a note on that, there's never been trouble again.
gilda_elise
Mar. 21st, 2015 11:26 am (UTC)
Wow, that takes balls to say something like that. Either that, or a total disregard of manners. And if a person is that uptight about who sees their blog, they can always make it friends only. Unless the person didn't realize that just because you friended her, that didn't mean that you'd be able to see her friends only posts. If that's the case, she obviously doesn't know what she's doing.

Anyway, I'd say that you're well shut of her. Someone like that, well, you'd probably find that the total disregard for others is the least of it.
(Deleted comment)
jume
Mar. 22nd, 2015 11:06 pm (UTC)
haha, it's been 10 years since I heard anyone complain about that. Plus ça change. . .
zaplightsmusic
Mar. 26th, 2015 12:54 pm (UTC)
I do think that is a bit odd. I remember back in the day people really cared about their "friends" and "friend of" lists being the same number?

You know that you can forcibly remove someone who has you friended? You go to the admin console, and you type in something like ban_set <lj user="whoever"> ... i learned that a long time ago when my ex would have me friended and i didn't want him to (he only did it to irritate me) - i forcibly removed him. I guess this person didn't know about that, or chose the more polite way.

Edited at 2015-03-26 12:54 pm (UTC)
just_demented
Mar. 26th, 2015 10:19 pm (UTC)
Someone adding me randomly makes me feel weird. But only because my entire journal is friends only. I only have 1 public post. That's it. So unless I add them back they can't read shit. If they would just comment on my public post or even message me on how they found me or why they think we would get along then I'd be more apt to add them back. Otherwise....they will just read my one public post...over & over again.

As for me sending someone a message to please remove me......nah. I just ignore it.
elfy
Mar. 27th, 2015 09:15 am (UTC)
Man ... I've been on LJ for over 14 years now. It's amazing to think back and realize ALL the people I added back then were complete strangers at first. And many many many of them totally became best-internet-friends. We even had LJ meetings in the real world to get to know each other in person. Anyway, meeting someone for the first time after you've read their journal for years always felt like meeting an old friend. Someone you could usually trust more than the people you got to know offline because LJ friends often knew a lot more and deeper shit about you. *sigh* Ah ... the old days. I still love LJ for being able to get to know random people.
( 40 comments — Leave a comment )

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