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don't be hatin...

So a friend let me know that my ex boyfriend had done some ranting on me earlier in the week. I shouldn't have gone and looked at it, but damn me for being curious, I did. And it was pretty bad. Basically he'd gone and read my livejournal entries and was analyzing how I was so full of myself and narcissistic and all that.

I was mad, but after thinking about it more, I'm just dissapointed. I went out with Dave because I thought he was different. He defied stereotypes, he did his own thing, he was cool. But when it comes to being an ex-boyfriend, he fits every bad stereotype there is. I can't even watch Amelie anymore, because the jilted ex-lover in the cafe smirking every time something bad happens to his once girlfriend just is dave to me. Same with this other girl who likes to talk smack on me... she's dating a guy who I once dated, and I used to think she was cool and could rise above the usual "you had my boyfriend first oh no you di-int!" stuff you see on TV, so I encouraged the relationship. She hasn't risen above any of it. Two years later she's still bitter.

They read my entries. When I'm happy and self-confident, they read it as me being full of myself to the point of having mental disorders. When I'm upset about something, they're happy and hope that it'll take me down and I'll lose everything I've worked for. Hell, according to them I haven't worked for it anyway, I've just stepped on people to scratch my way up in life, and chosen some lucky roads to get here.

When I was a kid I was quiet, shy, I'd fly under the radar and nobody really cared that much about me. I assumed if anyone could go through life without having enemies, it'd be me. Then I got older, and started to want to speak my mind, and started to want to be successful and not get walked on my the world, and you know what? That's all it takes. You don't have to be evil to be hated, you just have to be yourself. You have to value yourself. You have to think that you're worth something. There will always, always be people in my life now standing and watching and waiting for an opportunity to tell me that I'm not worth something. The fact that I let these people be so close to me once is what's scary, it makes me question everyone around me. I have to look at those closest to me and think, "If I didn't have time for you one week, if I didn't want to be as close as we are now, would you deal, or would you go ape-shit? Should I not have friends, should I not date anyone, for fear that I might upset them one day?"

It's sad, but at least I know that for every two people on livejournal trying to cut me down there are a hundred times that who are okay with me, who want the best for me, who remain positive. Several of these people I've been incredibly close to, I know them in real life and they know my faults and issues and they still love me.

I'll learn to close the book on everyone else.

Comments

( 25 comments — Leave a comment )
becksterminator
Mar. 4th, 2004 06:30 am (UTC)
Spacefem is awesome. And I'm more of an expert on the subject than those other people so...pssssssssssssssh.
insert_token
Mar. 4th, 2004 06:33 am (UTC)
The fact that people can act in such a petty and immature way, just goes to show that you are better without their input into your life.

They way your ex cuts you down means he needs to move on. It's a fact of life that relationships break down, people move on, and obsessing and criticising your every action is a pretty unhealthy way to deal with it.

Don't let people like this dent your confidence - people who can't be happy for you when you're happy aren't worth caring about.
angry_amy
Mar. 4th, 2004 06:40 am (UTC)
the thing is, you are better than them. and they know it. if not, they wouldnt feel a need to blow out your candles to make theirs look brighter.

you have the right to be pissed, but remember that everyone (including yourself) has insecurities, and this is just their way of working them out. you are smart and confident and incredibly admirable, but you know this.

as long as there are successful people who are willing to be brutally honest and who display strength and upward mobility, there will be people out there who are spiteful and jealous. you just be you, and fuck everyone else.

yeah.
spacefem
Mar. 4th, 2004 04:49 pm (UTC)
i LOVE that usericon! fuck everyone else indeed!
smittenbyu
Mar. 4th, 2004 06:47 am (UTC)
don't let them get you down! It is disappointing when someone you were close to, had some high regards for comes down to do such things! But such is life, I guess! It's their weaknesses.

It takes a lot to admit that you can't be liked by all and all can't like you and move on confidently into the world!

I don't really know you...but I never thought reading your posts that you were full of yourself! Just a confident young woman who knows what she wants with life!
kleine_hexe
Mar. 4th, 2004 06:55 am (UTC)
I've been reading your journal awhile, as I stumbled across you via some community and remembered checking your site out like 2 years ago....but anyway, you certainly don't seem full of yourself. You seem a lot like me, in fact.

I had like zero self-esteem for most of my childhood, and then when I finally started to get a little self-confidence around mid-college, people told me I was arrogant and narcissistic. Apparently not constantly putting oneself down in that attention-whoring sort of way = egotistical. So many people seem to think it's unacceptable to actually LIKE yourself, or the way you look, or proclaim that one is intelligent or worth their weight in...anything, really. I think the 'meekness' of Biblical times has never really gone out of vogue, and that a lot of people take modesty and humbleness a bit too far in terms of how much self-confidence is 'allowed.'

That said, I think you rock, and as a fellow feminist and tech-girl, I salute you! Woo!
spacefem
Mar. 4th, 2004 04:36 pm (UTC)
I think even biblical "meekness" isn't meant to cut down self-confidence. To me, being meek means that understanding that the rest of the world is more important than you are personally. It means picking up some trash you see, because your time isn't really that much more valuable, and because people don't deserve to look at trash just because you didn't want to bend down. It means going to see a friend even though you've got a ton of errands to run.

I am a Christian and believe in meekness, but I definately don't believe that God commands us to let people walk all over us. How does it help the world to wallow in self-loathing, self-pity, and doubt? Why would God tell us he loves us if he wants us to feel bad about ourselves all the time?

There's a difference between knowing where you stand in the importance of the world and letting just anyone tell you what they think of you. I think I've accomplished a lot since I started sticking up for myself, you know? Women are really taught to be scared of computers and cars and stuff. If we think we can fix something, we're being arrogant and superior. Well screw that! I'd rather go through life believing I can do more than believing I can do less... I might make mistakes (okay, I make lots of mistakes) but every so often, I'll get something done, you know?

so thanks, it's good to know I'm not alone in thinking this.
tinyflamingo
Mar. 4th, 2004 07:08 am (UTC)
They read my entries. When I'm happy and self-confident, they read it as me being full of myself to the point of having mental disorders.

No, my friend, a "mental disorder" is still stalking your journal a year (or however long it's been) since you broke up.

They are both petty and ridiculous - perfect for each other.

I know it irks; it would bother me too. But you know what? They can say, "She thinks she's so great!" all they want - but you ARE great, and you're better than this.

I've been where you are - and it sucks. But hey, if they keep acting jealous then they're proving themselves right.

Dave, you're a freaking loser.
(Deleted comment)
kazzik
Mar. 4th, 2004 09:36 am (UTC)
>:D< This is a very pointless comment but I just wanted to leave you hugs, because some people just suck, but you're not one of the ones that does.

xxxx
derridean
Mar. 4th, 2004 10:55 am (UTC)
great post
Great post.

I've added you as a friend, hoping you will
do the same.

On your post. See what others said.
They are very right. And some of them
know you, and I don't. But I know the
feeling your describing. I still don't
dare to raise my head at times. But posts
like these make me. One of the reasons
I would like to know more about you.

Btw where are Donna Haraway and Judith
Butler on your feminist lists?
Want them :-P

Derridean
spacefem
Mar. 4th, 2004 04:48 pm (UTC)
Re: great post
oooh, new feminists to research? you are a good friend! welcome to the list!
derridean
Mar. 4th, 2004 10:49 pm (UTC)
Re: great post
I think you will especially like Donna Haraway,
She wote a text called 'Cyborg Manifesto'.

They are both on the post-constructivist
side of things however. I'm not sure if
that is your cup of tea.
spacefem
Mar. 7th, 2004 03:42 pm (UTC)
Re: great post
hmmm... this Judith Butler doesn't seem to like feminists so I don't think I'd better make her a feminist of the day. She has good theories about gender roles but seems to blame feminism for creating labels and making them worse. I respect her views but think she's got us pegged all wrong.

Donna Haraway seems interesting though. I'm adding her to the books-to-read list, definately.
feanelwa
Mar. 4th, 2004 12:11 pm (UTC)
It's sad, but at least I know that for every two people on livejournal trying to cut me down there are a hundred times that who are okay with me, who want the best for me, who remain positive. Several of these people I've been incredibly close to, I know them in real life and they know my faults and issues and they still love me.

I'll learn to close the book on everyone else.


When you find out how...tell me. I hear everything you say in the rest of the post, and rationally I know that last paragraph is true of me too, but every couple of weeks I still catch a little bundle of "You'resocrap" that crept in under the filter and have to clean it away.

Spacefem, you're wonderful. Wonderful people have a trail of jealous unconfident people trying to bring them down behind them. It's the nature of the world. As much as you try to convince people that they're valuable too, there will always be some who don't believe you and decide to snipe at you in case that brings them up instead. So...they're the ones who have tried to get to where they want to be by stepping on people and scratching their way up. You have worked for it. You know the Biblical quote about the planks and splinters better than I do.
spacefem
Mar. 4th, 2004 04:47 pm (UTC)
seriously, it's tough to close the book. when I learned about what was being said about me I knew I shouldn't go read it, but I did anyway. why? uhg. weak, yup.

you bring up a good point though... why is it that when I told these people that they were good people, they didn't listen? Didn't feel better? I clearly remember trying to show them respect, because I thought they both had self-esteem issues. This did nothing. They'd rather cut me down, and they still don't feel great about it. I just don't understand.

oh well. thank you for posting... hopefully I'll learn from my mistakes and get better at ignoring the crap like I know I should.
karazorel
Mar. 4th, 2004 04:59 pm (UTC)
It's the "I feel miserable so I don't want anyone else to be happy but rather drag them down into my marsh" syndrome.

It's unfortunately relatively common.
dreamingkat
Mar. 4th, 2004 02:00 pm (UTC)
ya know, I don't normally say shit like this, but dude, they can go fuck themselves.

The projects you start - like that feminist of the day or the advicinators - help people. Your journal does too - because it gives people who wouldn't otherwise see a woman in a technical field a chance to not just see one, but know on a real level that they can still be a woman and a feminist and and engineer, and they don't have to pick between them.

Sometimes your happy posts are the only ones on my friends lists - the ppl I know in RL tend to have bad days in unison, even when we're in different states.

And even when you rant in your journal, it's interesting, it makes me think, and it shows your a real person. That real people can be engineers - real women who have non-engineering problems just like all the other women.

I don't know what their deal is, but I've got experience with mental illness, and your posts don't show any sign of it. :)

And don't let them ruin your faith in your friends. I know I don't know you or your friends in RL, but I'm sure that someone as wonderful as you has attracted some wonderful friends.

Don't let them get you down babe. Your awesome.
spacefem
Mar. 4th, 2004 04:43 pm (UTC)
i'm out of sync with the bad day vibe? nooo...

Still, thank you for saying that. I like to think I'm helping people too, that it's not just all for me. Being around strong women in my family totally made me who I am, so in a way it's all a reflection of that... we don't have to take hell from the world, you know? i feel a lot better now.

you are awesome too!
sporkopolis
Mar. 4th, 2004 02:33 pm (UTC)
the irony
reading your journal entries, which by default are about you, and complaining that you talk about yourself too much...

WTF does he think a journal is for?
(Anonymous)
Mar. 4th, 2004 03:53 pm (UTC)
Wake up people your prophet is a fake
Dave’s Entry
http://www.livejournal.com/users/pres589/172929.html#cutid1


Everyone of you posting rambling spacefem self-esteem propping bullshit need to remember that you know her on the "interweb-thingie" the home of countless con-artists who’s calms of grandeur exist only on the net. If she really had a life she would be living it not telling you all how great it is. If you read Dave’s entries you learn that her love life leaves something to be desired. It’s been a year and the guy is still having emotional issues.

She’s a great Internet personality, some very good entries. But Kobe’s a good basketball player, Michael’s a good singer, & Bush is a good liar. Everyone has a dark side to them that they would rather hide; She masks it by writing entrees like this and having you clueless dopes applaud her.

She’s just another girl with a Blog who has a fucked up personal life.

Nothing out of the ordinary, or special.
karazorel
Mar. 4th, 2004 04:52 pm (UTC)
Re: Wake up people your prophet is a fake
When it comes down to it, everyone is essentially on their own path in life. If someone you like follows you on the path and it makes you happy, you will naturally be sad if you feel you did nothing wrong to make them leave your path, but that doesn't mean everyone should always walk your path to avoid hurting you. They have their own paths to walk.

My girlfriend has also done some things that has appeared questionable, and somethings that has been questionable, but that doesn't make her a bad person. It can however create bad feelings that linger, and it doesn't have to be obsession on the part of the "jilted" either. A failed relationship doesn't say who or what kind of person someone is in itself. Its hard for either side to be even objective in such a situation, as is it for those near them. I found that out when I tried to be objective about my own feelings towards my girlfriends ex-boyfriend.

Nevertheless, he has as much right to be saddened by it or even bitter, as she has to realise that this is not working for her and do something about it.
The difference would be if he spread nasty rumours or lies about her, which it seems he is not, as if anyone is interested, both entries are public so you can go and see both sides of their stories and make up your own mind, or go for the easiest path, "side" with whoever is on your friends list.

Also, its generaly not a good idea to stir things up with comments like these, it makes the mood even worse and doesn't do any good for either side. And anonymous is cowardice.
feanelwa
Mar. 5th, 2004 03:06 am (UTC)
Re: Wake up people your prophet is a fake
How is that post going to convince me to be any more sympathetic?

She’s just another girl with a Blog who has a fucked up personal life.
And you're talking to...girls with Blogs who have personal lives that are the way we chose them to be, so only fucked up by whatever definition you're using. Well done. Ever considered going into politics? Possibly a scientific advisory committee?
invisible_k8
Mar. 4th, 2004 04:21 pm (UTC)
Well actually i find her to be special and much more dignified than someone who has to insult individuals commenting on her weblog in order to get back at her. If anyone is being immature its you. Good day.
javabean
Mar. 10th, 2004 07:24 am (UTC)
I think it would have been a lot more mature if he had posted that as friends-only, or had talked about how he was feeling with you in person. I'm not meaning to place any kind of judgment towards him because I don't know him at all, and you only through livejournal. I just hate to see that those words hurt you. I really enjoy reading your journal and find you to be interesting, even though I don't have time to comment much. I admire confidence- I hope you won't feel that you ever need to change how you write.
( 25 comments — Leave a comment )

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