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tissues

Was talking to the guy who sits next to me at work and he says, "I've been meaning to tell you... you might not want to keep your kleenex box on the edge of the table there. You want to put it behind stuff. Maybe even hide it. It sounds crazy but it's true. There's this guy, who takes people's kleenex."

Yes, we have an office kleenex bandit. the kleenex gnome. My deskmate continues to explain that when he first moved over he noticed he was going through kleenex really fast, then one day he saw the guy take a couple kleenex from his box and it got him thinking, so he tried harder to notice when the guy was around, and sure enough, he just takes everyone's kleenex. "Once he took the last two I had, and put one back thinking maybe I wouldn't notice!"

I was like, "Well thank you for telling me that, I'm sure the men in coats will be back to pick you up later... freaking kleenex psycho, got something against sharing?"

But then later in the afternoon he whispers at me... "Look! three o'clock, yellow sweater... that's the guy I was telling you about! that's the kleenex guy!" whatever. there's this respectable-looking older man standing in a doorway talking to someone, he has white hair and is wearing gray pants. Then he turns and walks down our row, and sure enough, stops at the first desk that is owned but not occupied and takes two kleenex from the box sitting by the computer monitor.

My neighbor's like, "He always does that! Every time he walks through, it's insane, it's like... he has a kleenex fetish or something! I never even see him blow his nose, he just takes kleenex!" I thought it was funny. I said, "We're electrical engineers... we should set up an alarm or something!"

but for now we're just monitoring patterns of the kleenex bandit. know your enemy, keep your kleenex... that's how it works in the world of engineering. otherwise society will crumble like freaking lord of the flies. i'm being totally serious.

Comments

( 28 comments — Leave a comment )
chezmax
Jan. 30th, 2004 03:34 pm (UTC)
You really should make an alarm.

When he steals a kleenex have it say (with klaxons and red lights) "KLEENEX BANDIT ALERT! KLEENEX BANDIT ALERT!"

I bet he'd never steal a kleenex again.
mymagicpiano
Jan. 30th, 2004 04:32 pm (UTC)
He's most likely Obessive Compulsive, in case you haven't already guessed that. It runs in my family, so I've seen a lot of it over the years. I had a great aunt who saved newspapers and magazines, and after she died, we had to look through the pages of 50,000 or so, because she hid money between the pages.

And I color-coordinate everything, from my books to my shoes. Can't help it. This guy just needs some basic therapy and medication.
puffpastry
Jan. 30th, 2004 06:07 pm (UTC)
Ohmigod!
MY office has a Kleenex bandit that steals my ENTIRE box of K'nex all at one time! About once every 3 weeks, my WHOLE BOX disappears, never to be seen again! It is SOOO frustrating! And I'm the receptionist, too, so my desk is right out there in the open to be pilfered ruthlessly.

Oh the humanity. :-(
mark356
Jan. 30th, 2004 09:59 pm (UTC)
Re: Ohmigod!
I can so understand kleenex disappearing from your box, if you're the recpetionist; you'd better replace them quickly, and your employers had better pay for them! It would be a horrible world if the receptionist's desk didn't have tissues, and providing them should not be a strain on her.

Shame on that bandit!
puffpastry
Feb. 1st, 2004 12:29 pm (UTC)
Re: Ohmigod!
Aw, your empathy for the life of a receptionist brings tears to my eyes! :-) Yes, yes, this should not be a strain on me!!!

Also, I should get lots and lots of free homemade chocolate chip cookies every day...
(Anonymous)
Jul. 25th, 2004 02:46 am (UTC)
Re: Ohmigod!
Hi puffpastry,
I was amazed to find this post because I have an irresistable urge to steal soft tissues !
I've stolen full boxes of tissues from desks before, & I find that stealing a full (or close to full) box of tissues gives me an incredible buzz - I don't know why ! Once I've got it I just cant wait to rip it open so I can have a proper feel of the stack of tissues!
I must say though, I've never had the front to steal a box of tissues from right under a secretary's nose ! Keep guardng those tissues!!!!
Best wishes
Dan
(Anonymous)
Sep. 28th, 2004 02:50 am (UTC)
Re: Ohmigod!
wow thats me too!!
(Anonymous)
Oct. 1st, 2004 07:09 am (UTC)
Re: Ohmigod!
Same here! I'm just like this, especially with Kleenex Balsam tissues!
(Anonymous)
Oct. 2nd, 2004 06:28 pm (UTC)
Re: Ohmigod!
Hi, I'm the Dan that wrote the original comment!
Balsam vs Ultrasoft ! tricky, they're both silky nice!!
Please write me at temporary email dac_juno@yahoo.co.uk
Would love to speak to someone who gets the same kick!!
(Anonymous)
Jan. 2nd, 2005 06:48 am (UTC)
Re: Ohmigod!
To unknown; so sorry I messed up! - Best wishes...
(Anonymous)
Mar. 26th, 2005 07:50 pm (UTC)
Re: Ohmigod!
Hi Dan, I have a fascination with soft tissues too - I just love the feel of high-quality tissues! I tried your posted email but no response :-( If you ever read this page again, pls post a new email or link!
reverend_betty
Jan. 30th, 2004 06:54 pm (UTC)
a kleenex bandit? Maybe Howard Hughes didn't die all those years ago?
kart
Jan. 30th, 2004 09:23 pm (UTC)
Hughes was an airplane maker too, hmm.....
Howard Hughes was quite a character. I used to work with a woman who had been employed a Hughes. She's still in aerospace now, and quite the character herself, but this is about the story she told about meeting Howard Hughes.

He kept a very odd sleep schedule and often slept at his office. My friend was a junior secretary at Hughes Aircraft the time. She often came in early and sometimes they'd cross paths in the hallway. She said he wore a big tan robe and fuzzy slippers and as long as the building was empty he liked to say hello and chat. Apparently he didn't become a *huge* germ freak until a later nervous breakdown in 1958.
reverend_betty
Jan. 30th, 2004 09:32 pm (UTC)
Re: Hughes was an airplane maker too, hmm.....
It's so awesome you knew someone who worked for him.
I'd heard stories about him when I was little, but didn't get around to reading a biography until a couple months ago. VERY disturbing guy. Apparently he developed his hypochrondria as a child.
imcrackinskulls
Jan. 30th, 2004 07:00 pm (UTC)
ohh, that's funny, spacy.

i got an idea. get a few of your neighbors together and put a glob of hand lotion on the outside of kleenex(s) sticking out of the box. that should deter him.

is kleenex on of those words that could also be plural?
spacefem
Jan. 30th, 2004 08:26 pm (UTC)
Re:
well of course, you can't say "kleenexes" that's not a word
dizietsma
Jan. 31st, 2004 03:58 am (UTC)
and anyway it would be Kleenices.

(sorry)
madamealexis
Jan. 30th, 2004 09:17 pm (UTC)
There's the guy at work who is into paper towels like that. He takes paper towels and goes into the restroom and rubs them all over himself and does it for a long time. The guys yell at him to get out so they can go in there. Maybe that is what he does with the kleenex.
homunculus
Jan. 31st, 2004 12:37 am (UTC)
Re:
ow. lol paper towels frequently have small bits of glass or other abrasives in them, that would hurt.
dizietsma
Jan. 31st, 2004 03:59 am (UTC)
maybe that's why he does it...
homunculus
Jan. 31st, 2004 04:13 am (UTC)
Re:
hahaha, talk about exfoliation.
mark356
Jan. 30th, 2004 09:55 pm (UTC)
Bwahahaha! Good luck against the Kleenex bandit!

Playing the devil's advocate for a moment, I must say that he is just like me. When I was in grade school, I would get awful, awful colds: I couldn't breathe or hear, my nose was utterly clogged up and rubbed raw, and I coulnd't do anything with it. I was misery. To make things worse, at that time we didn't keep many tissues around the house, and most of the tissues at school were these icky sandpapery things. If I saw a box of good tissues sitting there, as a reflection of the abundance of the person whose space it was in, I would take at least one or two and wear them to bits!

Those years were so painful that to this day, I make very sure to always have enough tissues. I now make sure that my dad buys some tissues every week and that we always have a store of tissues; I make sure that there are some in every room of the house, including my bedroom and by the computer, and I always carry some in my coat pocket, some in my pants pocket, and put a stack in my bag whenever I go more than two blocks from my house. I rarely use them, because I don't have a cold, but if I need tissues, I will have them.

Obviously, I don't go filching other people's tissues now (although if I needed some and ran out, of course I would use some of yours, unless you told me not to!), but I so can understand where that guy is coming from. After being in some of those grade schools, where the admins assumed that no one had noses, seeing nice tissues in a public space is a luxury! It gives me pleasure to see that if I needed a tissue in one of those spaces, there would be one, and I can absolutely understand taking a few of them, as a sort of absorption of the wealth and insurance against anything that might happen.

Great story, btw.
homunculus
Jan. 31st, 2004 12:38 am (UTC)
lol this post is hilarious. but the situation is aggravating. when i was at work a few months ago, i had a pretty bad cold. i felt bad even taking a kleenex from the secretary's desk when i really needed one. but i don't think she minded. i'm just that way. lol
dizietsma
Jan. 31st, 2004 04:00 am (UTC)
that guy has (t)issues..
aparecida
Jan. 31st, 2004 09:48 am (UTC)
Reminds me of the Fifth Roommate who didn't pay rent at our house but was constantly hanging out there (uninvited by me) and using my bathroom (because it was the hall one). He went through a ridiculous amount of toilet paper -- much more than I did. I felt like I was being bitchy for asking about it, but it was bad enough that I actually started buying cheap toilet paper for the holder, and hiding my rolls of Charmin Ultra under the sink for my own use.
puffpastry
Feb. 1st, 2004 12:27 pm (UTC)
Re:
I'm not proud to admit this, but back when I was living in roommate situations where a lot of toilet paper was consumed in a very short period of time, I was known to keep costs down by stealing rolls from the university I was attending. There were always dozens stacked on shelves in the U restrooms...I told myself that toilet paper was, you know, included in my tuition fees. :-)
(Anonymous)
Jan. 31st, 2004 06:02 pm (UTC)
holy shit a kleenex thief!
(Anonymous)
Feb. 29th, 2004 08:31 am (UTC)
tissues
Hi all,
I'm really embarrased to admit this, but I guess I am, to adopt a term used in these posts, a Kleenex bandit!
I do feel guilty after I help myself to other peoples kleenex, but I just can't resist a box of soft tissues. I love the texture & feel of soft tissues, & can't keep my hands off them.

I would never dream of taking say a pen or pencil off someones desk, but tissues for some reason, are a different matter - maybe I view them as a 'communal' rather than a personal item.
I only take the softest luxury kleenex - if a tissue is cheap & rough I have no urge to take it. You probably think a pop-up tissue box will only give you one tissue at a time, but with a careful technique you can grab a generous stack of tissues. By inserting your fingers into the dispensing slit of a kleenex box & sliding them towards the edge you can grasp a stack of about 20 tissues or so. A good hard tug will release them - the plastic insert in the tissue box opening stretches enough to release the tissue stack.
I guess a lot of people reading this will be very annoyed with me, but I just can't resist soft tissues!
I apologise to everone whose kleenex I've pilfered over the years! Feel free to insult me - I suppose I deserve it :-/

( 28 comments — Leave a comment )

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