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I just have one question for everyone and I'm writing it tonight.

It's like this: we get this life, and some of us walk down the street always feeling empty until one day our eyes meet with the eyes of some stranger and our heart devotes itself right there to their eternal happiness, and we get together and everything feels right forever all the days of that life we get.

That's just some of us though. Then there's the rest of us. We fall close to love but it's not all right. We fall out. We keep trying. Lather, rinse, repeat. It doesn't work again. There's no longer any wide-eyed innocence waiting for a stranger sitting in a warm cafe to say hello. No heartfelt commitments. The heart isn't allowed to do anything without consulting its probation officer first. The eyes squint at everything to see what's real.

Do we fall in love? Can it be love, even with everything we don't have?

Or will we forever mistake it for intense comfort, because we're incapable of believing in anything else?

Comments

( 20 comments — Leave a comment )
homunculus
Oct. 5th, 2003 08:17 pm (UTC)
what's the difference? i mean... yeah; i believe in love. but my definition may be different from yours. i don't think it magically fixes everything. but if you can get along w/ someone and care intensely for them, why not just be happy?
mage67
Oct. 5th, 2003 08:38 pm (UTC)
Saying the obvious
Love is obviously very personal. It involves a touch of self-delusion and also the right external stimuli.

From what I've observed, most people don't fall in love and will settle for someone. Many delude themselves they are in love because they're in love with the idea of love. Many actually find someone they truly and really love at first, but then later it changes in someway.

From what I've seen if you see someone and you feel something it's almost always lust, desire or someone you believe to be coming close to what you think is your ideal. Love at first sight is a rarity and not to be expected.

Perhaps you will be one of those rare people who will find her so-called soulmate and be extremely happy with him. Even if that happens, it almost certainly won't solve all your problems.

The Beatles were wrong. All you need is not only love.
whatupbitch
Oct. 5th, 2003 09:13 pm (UTC)
I feel your confusion. And I stand by my fairly-recent epiphany: True love is made, not found. Fate will bring us the initial contact/connection, then we have to do the rest.
invisible_k8
Oct. 5th, 2003 09:39 pm (UTC)
I dont know what love is. I'm not sure if it even exists, and I agree with you to some extent. There is no love at first site, theres very little true love in the world. I've never seen any two people with that. A lot of time it is shrouded by lust and self-interest, having someone being with you. There's no 'one', no soulmates.... People just kinda find the person they can deal with and cling to each other and hope to make some meaning out of this really confusing world. Love is getting something from a pathetic existence, in which everything fades. People can care about each other immensely, but ultimately love is overrated.
tiwonge
Oct. 5th, 2003 09:40 pm (UTC)
And then there's those of us who never felt lonely to begin with.

Why not be love? Love's not some fairy tale "happily ever after." I find it easy to love people at first, but the more I get to know them, the harder it is to love them. It's work. I have to keep making it work, and I can't let myself become disillusioned by the things I find that irk me.
ex_lvx
Oct. 5th, 2003 09:55 pm (UTC)
This 'in love' thing you speak of. Neurochemically, it's no different, say, that eating large amounts of chocolate.

I myself believe in it, despite all phyiscal and neurological evidence to the contrary.
clayse
Oct. 5th, 2003 10:09 pm (UTC)
I, Uh, yeah.
cilissae
Oct. 5th, 2003 10:42 pm (UTC)
I haven't met a single soul who fits that first scenario. Honestly. I think we all are the second. Those who say they aren't are just fooling themselves. If you feel empty, you have to fill it yourself. Others really can't do it.
friedtoast
Oct. 6th, 2003 03:08 am (UTC)
I second the motion.

I think the first ones that are deluding themselves aren't too far removed from the Jerry Springer Show. To me, it's that far of a throw from reality to be hung up on having met the perfect person. Pffftp (ok, maybe I'm cynical). And maybe there is such thing as Love at First Sight, but I'm a skeptic and I won't believe it until I feel it myself. And the probabilities of that are about the same as me getting posted to the USS Enterprise in the next decade. Not bloody likely.

Now True Love, I can believe in that. But like tiwonge said, it's WORK.
zonk
Oct. 6th, 2003 05:47 am (UTC)
Love is something that develops over time through commitment.
fire_hazzard
Oct. 6th, 2003 03:21 pm (UTC)
I disagree.

Love can be strenghtend, broadened, built-upon and nurtured...
but without the spark, the chemestry in which love is born, no amount of time and effort can create Love.
amy0catherine
Oct. 6th, 2003 12:27 pm (UTC)
I agree that I don't think the first scenario actually exists...all people in love or not stumble upon problems, disagreements, etc - its never "perfect". I don't think the alternative is as bad as you make it out to be, however. I don't feel like I've "settled" for anything. I fell in love with a man who is everything I wanted in a husband and who completments me fantastically. I think love is a verb not a state of being. Its a choice we make everyday to treat each other with kindess, respect, honor, etc. Do I still have those butterflies...most days ;) but not having them doesn't mean I don't choose to love him.
fire_hazzard
Oct. 6th, 2003 03:16 pm (UTC)
Nothing rends the heart like love's mistakes. Twice I have given away my heart only to have it broken, and each time the pain masked my belief in love for a time, but the idea surges back reguardless of the lost innocence and hesitation that you form to guard yourself from new pain.

Love is real. I still care for both my Ex's - I always will. I may not be head over heels, butterflies in the belly, moonbeams and giggle for either of them ever again, but I gave them a piece of me and they will always have that.

I would do it again if the right person were available.
aliki
Oct. 6th, 2003 05:40 pm (UTC)
Some people are more passionate than others. Some people seem to always fall in love, they always seem to wildly crazy over their latest crush. I'll give you that.

However, I don't think that *ANYBODY* hasn't felt what you describe as "the rest of us". Till you find the right one, everybody walks around feeling like "this is nice, but it's not *the* one". Sometimes, you can be with a person, and you can't pinpoint what doesn't fit right, but it just doesn't. You can't see yourself spending too much time with the person, you can't think about eternity with them. And there isn't "the spark".

I wouldn't call it love. I'd call it affection.

And while love is something that needs to be worked on, and affection can gradually grow into love; love is love. WHen you feel it, you'll know. Some people *think* they feel it every year, with everyone. (I say they aren't really in love, they just think they are). Others never feel like they really are in love.

But when the right one comes, whether you are 18, 38, or 58 years old-- you'll know it. You will.
(Anonymous)
Oct. 8th, 2003 07:40 am (UTC)
Love is really...
My favorite definition of love comes from a Heinlein novel: Love is the condition where your happiness depends directly on the happiness of another. I don't think this ever happens in an "eyes meeting across the room" kind of way, it takes time. What does happen that way is lust/chemistry, and it is no indication of how well you two will get along. I didn't immediately fall in love with my husband - we didn't even have much "chemistry"; it happened over time while we were hanging out with each other. Yet, he's "the one". After 5 years, he still makes my toes tingle when we kiss. And the real thing was definitely worth waiting for - to heck with all those times I had an instant connection with someone that didn't last!

Kara
Kwicz (http://kwicz.com)
brotherjames (http://britherjames.net)
(Anonymous)
Oct. 9th, 2003 05:08 am (UTC)
Love, etc
I have met people who 'knew she/he was the one for me' and have been married for over 40 years - or 50, even, or more, as in the case of my parents - BUT:

a) usually it was only one of the partnership, and often the male, who 'knew';
b) even the permanently besotted say that there have been problems to deal with, although
c) many say that the problems were essentially external.

The love-ful either have the same ways of solving problems from the start or they evolve effective processes between them for solving problems. Hence those who say "we never let the sun go down on our anger" (i.e., they do get angry but they solve that problem and others by talking them through to come to an agreement) or they talk to each other as equals so they don't get angry in the first place, or they agree that each of them has a realm of expertise where that one's view is, ultimately, final.

I think women are hard-wired to develop what you call an internal probation officer: although biology IS NOT DESTINY it still influences the ways in which we develop, and we women are potential bearers-of-young and thus at a neurological level have to develop an ability to assess others (usually men) critically: will they be good stock? Will they try to eat us or our babies? Will they make us choose between our offspring and them?

Any man (or woman) worth a tiny damn knows that women have this element in their makeup and thus will act in a way which permits the Stranger in a Warm Cafe to show up over and over again. If your Probation Officer is currently in a hyper-vigilant phase then ask Her (I assume the PO is a she but if not, correct the text accordingly) what She is looking out for in the way of Acceptable People.

You might also ask Her why she is thinking about someone else's eternal happiness rather than yours...? If She can't answer, fire her and get a PO who is on your side!

VBG and good luck
Your friend in the UK
(Anonymous)
Oct. 9th, 2003 02:10 pm (UTC)
Reply
What have men ever done for us...we don't need love. I used to believe in falling in love but after me rotten tight wad ex-boyfriend dumped me for no reson at all,I don't believe in falling in love anymore.
(Anonymous)
Oct. 12th, 2003 06:42 am (UTC)
There is a preoccupation with the young on the concept of love. I know, because I'm young and preoccupied :)..

It is my firm belief that love is not understood at this time in our lives which is why the persuit of it bring so much distress and woe.

Love is not about finding your knight in shining armor to whisk you away to paradise but nor is it as dark as you paint it above either.

I do believe that you can only truly love someone when you learn to love yourself - the problem with almost everyone is the later.. To become comfortable with yourself is a slow and painful transition.. as i'm sure your aware..

The adage goes that the first step to wisdom is to question everything and the final step is to come to terms with everything..

Love only makes sense when you come to terms with yourself.

Yours,

Ckwop.
(Anonymous)
Oct. 14th, 2003 01:09 am (UTC)
Not that complex
You know it when you fall in love. Rather simple actually.

Thee are people in which you may fight a high "comfort level" but that is not love.

There is such a thing as love at first sight. There also is a thing as love which comes over time as the two become a bit more familiar with the aspects of the other.

Either way you KNOW it's love. Don't settle for anything less. Spacefem deserves and will find the real mccoy in time.

raddagast
suddenstorm
Oct. 25th, 2003 07:35 am (UTC)
I was late finding and coming to this journal, but I really wanted to comment on this...

Love isn't 'found'...it's -made-...it is a choice like most things in our lives, and a buttload of work. "Eyes across the room" is romance--it isn't love. How can you give your heart (metaphorically speaking) to someone when you don't even -know- them? I wouldn't loan my favorite book to someone I didn't know...darned if I'd give them something that could control everything from my perception of the world to my self-esteem without knowing whether they'd respect it and return it to me in the condition I loaned it to them. *grins*

Don't stress. Make friends. Eventually, somoene will slip through the cracks and get deep inside.

Zeph

( 20 comments — Leave a comment )

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